39

A few months ago I turned 39. It was a great day - a whole day to myself in beautiful blue-sky san francisco. That day marked the end of a decade. Forty is usually the big transition, but for me 39 was the one.

Ten years ago I had big hair, I was married to a different man, and I’d never had a passport. I was nervous with my mother and very close to my father. I’d never been to therapy. I’d never seen the web. How things change.

The intervening years have been lots of work (both personal and professional) with lots of drama (much of it useful), and thank god for the good and bad and every bit of those years. It’s a strange feeling that very few friends have been around long enough to marvel with me at the changes (hugs to eliot). The constants have been a close relationship with my sister Jeannine, my belief that the universe is abundant, and a stubborn commitment to get better.

I’ve often heard the phrase “abundance and hope.” Hope is a useful but ultimately flaccid word. Hope externalizes the future, giving the hopeful license to passively wait for Good Things to Happen. Life is not a hand of cards to be played as dealt. Vision and stubbornness are more helpful than hope, in my experience.

Here’s what I discovered that kicked off the massive changes of the past ten years: Life can be better because I can be better. I can be better because I crave to be healthier and happier, and so I surround myself with sources of strength and courage and solace and fire. It takes courage (and not arrogance) to step up to our greatness. While others were working their Stair Masters or training for marathons, I was working out in other ways. And though I might be jiggly around the middle, I’m sure I made the right choices.

I have worked hard. I still work hard. Being an aunt, a mom, a ceo, a wife, I’m constantly channeling that sense of abundance.

Am I happy? It’s hard to say; happiness is such an indefinable thing. I’m grateful, and that’s a wonderful feeling. If I were facing the end of my life, would I feel peace? Absolutely. Though I’m sure I’ve done some harm along the way (sorry cameron), I also know that I’ve been an active force for good. And the good that I’ve put into the world has been leveraged, as the people I’ve helped or inspired have in turn helped and inspired others.

This birthday marks the end of a time.

My life is now quite settled, with a great marriage, a healthy child, a challenging job at a company I love, a home I can stay in for many years, and even a studio where I can paint. Barring any startling and unlikely developments (either good or bad), I see the coming decade as a gentle time for nurturing what I’ve got. Sometimes that’s a frightening prospect. I’ve never had a gentle life. It will be a new kind of adventure.