“Get up Trinity! Get Up!”

Each time the depression relapses, I have to force myself into action. It takes an act of will to turn off the TV, cork the bottle of wine, and iron my clothes for the morning.

Things that help:

Walk in the sunshine
Show up for work
Tend to everyday grooming
Make the bed and hang the clothes
Turn off the TV
Binge on healthy snacks
Socialize in small groups
Tell Jason what’s happening
Sit with Evan

These are the smallest component parts of life, and tending to them can begin to turn the depression. Little bits each day of not giving in.

There are predictable reasons that this works. For example, if I can make myself wash a load of socks in the evening, then I’m likely to avoid the “wow, I suck” feeling in the morning when I go to get dressed and have none clean. But there are subtler effects, too — by caring for the smallest components of my life, I can begin to undo the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that accompany depression.

Shortly after Cameron and I separated in 1995, I was feeling (understandably) out of control. I had an acquaintance who was a professional organizer, and I hired her to come and spend four hours with me to get things in order, or at least into perspective. I expected her to sort through papers and make labels for things. While we did a bit of that, we spent most of the time organizing my life priorities. She had me make a pie chart with eight pieces. And in each wedge of pie, I was to name the most important themes that comprise my whole life. Here’s my list (in no particular order):

Financial stability
Physical well-being
Emotional health
Loved ones
Community
Surroundings
Intellect
Spirit

For nearly a year after that, I would sit for a few minutes every evening and list what I had done to care for myself in each category. In a newly independent state, I was making sure that I was safe and well cared for.

ACA tells us that “You can become your own loving parent.”
Wu Li told us “Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.”

I find these all to be versions of the same philosophy. Managing depression takes gentleness, deliberate attention to the mundane, and a realization that I am responsible for my own health and happiness.