Big time

Today in the mundane course of my work I was reminded of the most painful, embarassing, traumatic time of my life. Now 10 years past, I see that time as the start of One Very Large Year. During that year (more like 18 months), I changed everything. Found everything.

I took huge, courageous leaps and learned that the net is irrelevant when you can fly.

All of the solid foundations that make my life brilliant came out that year. I’m thankful every day for my life.

Today I’m also thankful for the forces in that year that opened me up like a gigantic glowing flower: Ellen Falvey Lynch, ACA, Burning Man, Willem, Manisha, God, Art, The Cowboy Junkies, Mazzy Star, my pals from Netscape, all the sexy boys I dated (or not), the beautiful girls I made out with, Very Large Speakers, Sweet, FnF, the art museums of Madrid, The Artist’s Way, my mother’s last-minute visit, and the thousands of little miracles that happened every day that changed me forever.

A few years later I found this passage (Kafka) that seems to capture the feeling:

There is no need for you to leave the house. Stay at your table and listen. Don’t even listen, just wait. Don’t even wait, be completely quiet and alone. The world will offer itself to you to be unmasked; it can’t do otherwise; in raptures it will writhe before you.

Believing means liberating the indestructible element in oneself, or, more accurately, liberating oneself, or, more accurately, being indestructible, or, more accurately, being.

Theoretically, there is a perfect possibility of happiness: believing in the indestructible element in oneself and not striving for it.

I’m reminded again tonight that I’m whole and complete. And indestructible.

(And all because I was embarassed at work.)